Likes and Dislikes

Things I like:

People who still sell things from inside their coat.

The couple who sits next to each other in the cab of a truck.

A new episode of LOST.

Things I dislike:

A new episode of LOST.

The guy who stands in the Abercrombie and Fitch store and stares at everyone who walks by.

Desert Activity #27

When visiting the high desert there are many fun activities you can take part in. You can go rock climbing, see races at a dry lake bed, or start a meth lab. When I was growing up there, one of our favorite activities was hitting bats with pool skimmers.

Here are the steps so the next time you're visiting, lost, or have been kidnapped in the desert, you can do it too.

Items you'll need:
1. rocks
2. pool skimmer
3. sun setting
4. brother/friend
5. bats

Step 1: Collect rocks in your shirt basket(a shirt basket is when you lift the bottom of your shirt up past the navel to create a container).

Step 2: Ready your pool skimmer.

Step 3: Throw rocks 15 to 30 feet in the air.

Step 4: Bats will swoop down and try to eat the rocks because they think its a bug.

Step 5: Hit the bat with the pool skimmer.

Step 6: Give your partner a high-five.

Step 7: Repeat until your hearts content.

CostumeCON

COMIC-CON, the largest comic, film, and strange smell convention in the world is just around the corner. Although I won't be able to go this year, I did some sketches for possible costume ideas for this epic event. I am sure these costumes will be popular and in abundance.

Avatar from Avatar

Thanks to James Cameron, furry fandom is finally mainstream.

The Mad Hatter

Edward from New Moon 

And probably the most popular costume at the Con will be Jennifer Aniston from The Bounty Hunter

German Eye Poker

Something usually goes wrong when I fly and last weekend was no different. I was standing in line thinking about how delightful my trip went when a German guy poked me in the eye.

He was telling security about how he was just over in the other line, his arms and hands were flailing and ended up right in my looking ball.

He was very surprised and apologized profusely for the poke. I just stood there confused and hurt.

Security thought it was hilarious and said "He should buy you a beer!"

TrashFinder

Last week I was on my bike and I spotted a piece of plastic that was perfect for the bottom of my drawing desk. 

It was the right size and shape, but most importantly it had no trash smell.

I've had this super power since I was small. It's like a spidey sense but for garbage nobody wants.

I've even found perfectly good Nintendo 64's from three car lanes away. 

And in my lifetime I have collected over THIRTY SIX DOLLARS in ground money!!! I know what you're thinking, you want me to teach you this power so you can find all this free cash and forgotten treasure. Well to that I say.... this super power cannot be taught... and I'm too lazy to teach you... and I don't want people picking up trash that I can have... and it's more of a curse than a blessing... and with great power comes great responsibility... and nobody likes a guy who goes through garbage.

Although I think Lindsay loves my ability and never ceases to be amazed.

Biker Gangs

Northern California has a lot of bikers and I have fallen victim of the craze. I bike regularly, but its dangerous because Im not affiliated with any of the gangs. In doing some research here are some of the biker gangs I could see myself getting jumped in to.

The Hipster Biker
Very popular in northern California, but I would need skinnier jeans and a sweet mustache for them to even consider my application.

The Gross Hippie Biker
This gang frequents Venice Beach and Santa Monica. One of the many things I like about the gross hippie gang is their acceptance of others and the membership fees are probably pretty reasonable.

The Really Serious Biker
I don't know if my crotch is willing to commit to this type of biking but I would love the little water backpack sippers.

The Confused Biker
The most dangerous of all biker gangs is the gang of middle aged parents who look really unstable on two wheels. They take their teenagers ten speed and ride it like it was their first time on a bike. People run out of their way in terror. I would love to be a part of a gang so feared in the community.

I see I have some serious decision thinking to do.

Snooki and Me

I had a nightmare last night that Snooki from Jersey Shore was trying to make out with me.

I remember saying "Oh God, please don't, I don't want this."

The Oscars (continued)

Here are some oscars I gave to the people at the oscars:

Best Acceptance Speech- Crazy Redhead For Documentary Short.

I wasn't quite sure what you were saying. You came out of nowhere and I still don't know if you were supposed to be up there or if you just wanted to pull a Kanye. Either way, I loved your enthusiasm.

Best Unnatural Performance Of A Human Being Ever- Kathy Ireland

I loved how you talked to people on the red carpet like they were three years old. It was great how you never moved your arms and stared at people uncomfortably after the interview was over.

Best Bored Out Your Mind Spouse- Matthew Broderick

Great performance. 

Best Beard- Antonio Banderas

My money was on Brad Pitt but he was a no show.

And last but not least.

Best Use Of Bubble Wrap- Jlo

Things I love...

People who unknowingly almost get hit in the head.

Little kids in suits.

Old people in suits.

And of course tough dudes in work out clothes who don't work out and love soft serve yogurt.

Plane Sleep

This morning on the plane ride, I fell asleep and when I woke up, my head was very near the shoulder of another man. I played it cool and kept quiet because I don't think my head actually caressed his shoulder, but I can't be certain. 

He smelled nice.

Business Investment

I am going to start a business that delivers dancing babies to any party venue in the bay area. I call it Tiny Dancers. I will dress up like Elton John and show up to a clients party with toddlers I have trained to dance.

I have done the market research and people love dancing babies. Weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, even funerals are all made better with little dancing children.

After I teach the babies my patented "cute choreography" I will transport them in the bed of an el camino, I originally had a van in mind but because of all the negative connotations people have with vans full of children, I went with the open bed truck car. Then we will arrive at the event and boogey until the sun goes down(their bed time is sundown).

I am looking for people who would like to invest in this idea.

Things I will need to get started:
1. Start up capital($55-60,000).
2. An El Camino.
3. A keytar in used or near new condition.
4.Some walking around money(handful of ben franklins).
5. Babies who can memorize the steps and can dance for up to eight hours (Not toilet trained, not considered)

Think about how great dancing babies would be at your next baby shower, corporate offsite, state fair, ship christening, or protest march!!!

Woman vs. Market

Dear woman from the market,

I was in the corner eating a Clif bar, watching a guy dump a bunch of change into the coinstar machine, when you came in.

You were yelling obscenities and knocking all the muffins and cookies on the ground. You shouted " If you don't be more careful, you might have an ACCIDENT!"

You pushed a shopping cart into the sliding doors and they broke.
For your finale, you yelled out "BE MORE CAREFUL!!" and threw all the newspapers onto the ground.

So ma'am, I'm writing this letter to tell you whatever you are doing... I WANT IN! If you travel from store to store performing this scene, trying to get the word out about market safety, I would love to be a part of it. 

When you came in and trashed the place, I was certain you were just a crazy lady breaking stuff, but then I saw through the obscenities and heard your message. I think we SHOULD be more careful in the grocery store. Too many times have I slipped on spilled Juicy Juice or cut my fingers on those dang tortilla packages! You are a visionary and this is me saying, I would like to be a part of your traveling safety show.

I think with some late night rehearsals we could turn your one woman show, into a one woman (you) and one man (me) show.  Here are some ideas on how I could be incorporated into the act. I could cover myself in tomato cans and pretend to be dead from a soup can avalanche. I could paint my face blue( you would have to provide the paint) and pretend I am trapped in the frozen food freezer. I could dress as the market manager and when I try and kick you out of the store, I kick myself in the eye, basically whatever you need, I can be that. I played a ten year old boy in the junior college play Marvin's Room, so I do have some acting experience. 

You can contact me here at this blog. Feel free to give me your home address so I can send you my resume and head shots. Looking forward to working with you.

Your new friend and devoted fan,

Erik

P.s.-

Guy with the jar of coins, 

How much did you end up getting? I saw that you had over $112 and still had that huge bucket of coins to dump.