Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Number 1 on the 5.

After spending a wonderful holiday with family, Lindsay and I drove back home via the 5 freeway. We ate little chocolates and took in the wonderful smells of live cattle.

Half way into our trip, Lindsay accidentally dropped a big hunk of chocolate.

It fell right in that unreachable abyss underneath the seat.
We couldn't risk melted chocolate under the seat, so we pulled off the freeway.

In the middle of nowhere there was a black SUV parked just off the road.
The driver of the SUV was smiling at us.

I was getting a strange vibe.

 The shoulder to right was way too rocky to pull over so my only option was to pull up behind the weirdo in black SUV.

We had no idea when we pulled up to the rear of his car

 We would see the

His wife bending over to pee was this far away.
But it felt this far away.

She quickly realized she had an audience.

I tried to look everywhere but the pale white cheeks in front of my face.

I'm sure Lindsay would've liked me to just drive away and avoid any further humiliation, but my legs were paralyzed. I'm like a possum that way.
The woman screamed and jumped in her car without getting her pants up all the way.

I saw in the side view mirror, her husband laughing like a mad man.
 They drove off.

"Do you want to get that chocolate before it melts."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Some iphone apps

I have some iphone app ideas (app is tech talk for applied information science technology)

My first iphone app would help you in any social situation where someone is about to spoil a movie you haven't seen.
"Hey, in the new MI4: Ghost Protocol there is this bomb a$* twist when Ethan Hunt finds out-"

The app will sound an alarm so powerful it will render the potential movie spoiler deaf, and give them horrible diarrhea.

The next app sends out a signal that kills any other cell phone that bothers you during a movie.

That scene wasn't from a movie, but it is from the emotional climactic series Dawson's Creek. Here is the clip(spoiler alert: you will cry, if seeing other people cry, makes you cry.)

If you're worried about your iphone getting stolen, worry no more, this new app will make it seems as if you are just licking a delicious ice cream cone.

Or an app that makes your screen looked cracked and broken will also deter criminals. 
Maybe you're embarrassed by the look of your iphone and you want the look of a flashy flip phone. This app will turn your frumpy iphone into a stylish phone from ten years ago. (antenna accessory sold separately)

Perhaps for you, it doesn't get better than a blackberry. Well, transform your iphone interface into whatever phone you want!

Maybe you're even embarrassed to have a iphone. No problem, download any one of the everyday items with a matching cellphone cover to disguise it.

You can surf the web, listen to music, text, sext, and talk all you want and no one will ever again think you're just showing off your new phone.

Patent Pending: Steal these ideas and I will cut you!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Candies Of Yore

Some friends and I were reminiscing about all the great halloween candy we got when we were young. Some one mentioned they didn't sell candy cigarettes to children anymore and I was shocked. 

When I was young, not only did we have candy cigarettes and bubble gum cigars, we had sugar syrup filled heroine needles with bubble gum tourniquet.
Cotton candy flavored juice bong.
Sugar powder cocaine. (I can see why this was taken off the market. Most kids snorted the sugar when they were supposed to just eat it.)
 And tropical flavored meth amphetamine tabs with edible sores!

My generation grew up with all these and we turned out just fine! Only 12% of my friends  are hooked on drugs (the non-candy kind) now. You can't beat those odds!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Future Present

It was recently my one year wedding anniversary. I wanted to surprise my wife and hot glue another diamond to her engagement ring.

It looks like this-

 But it could look like THIS!
 And each year I would add another, and another.
So that in the future, all the ladies would be jealous of my lady's rock.

But after some serious thought, and lack of hot glue, I took her to dinner instead.

Side note: In the future there will be two finger loops on all coffee cups.