The Oscars (continued)

Here are some oscars I gave to the people at the oscars:

Best Acceptance Speech- Crazy Redhead For Documentary Short.

I wasn't quite sure what you were saying. You came out of nowhere and I still don't know if you were supposed to be up there or if you just wanted to pull a Kanye. Either way, I loved your enthusiasm.

Best Unnatural Performance Of A Human Being Ever- Kathy Ireland

I loved how you talked to people on the red carpet like they were three years old. It was great how you never moved your arms and stared at people uncomfortably after the interview was over.

Best Bored Out Your Mind Spouse- Matthew Broderick

Great performance. 

Best Beard- Antonio Banderas

My money was on Brad Pitt but he was a no show.

And last but not least.

Best Use Of Bubble Wrap- Jlo

Things I love...

People who unknowingly almost get hit in the head.

Little kids in suits.

Old people in suits.

And of course tough dudes in work out clothes who don't work out and love soft serve yogurt.

Plane Sleep

This morning on the plane ride, I fell asleep and when I woke up, my head was very near the shoulder of another man. I played it cool and kept quiet because I don't think my head actually caressed his shoulder, but I can't be certain. 

He smelled nice.

Business Investment

I am going to start a business that delivers dancing babies to any party venue in the bay area. I call it Tiny Dancers. I will dress up like Elton John and show up to a clients party with toddlers I have trained to dance.

I have done the market research and people love dancing babies. Weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, even funerals are all made better with little dancing children.

After I teach the babies my patented "cute choreography" I will transport them in the bed of an el camino, I originally had a van in mind but because of all the negative connotations people have with vans full of children, I went with the open bed truck car. Then we will arrive at the event and boogey until the sun goes down(their bed time is sundown).

I am looking for people who would like to invest in this idea.

Things I will need to get started:
1. Start up capital($55-60,000).
2. An El Camino.
3. A keytar in used or near new condition.
4.Some walking around money(handful of ben franklins).
5. Babies who can memorize the steps and can dance for up to eight hours (Not toilet trained, not considered)

Think about how great dancing babies would be at your next baby shower, corporate offsite, state fair, ship christening, or protest march!!!

Woman vs. Market

Dear woman from the market,

I was in the corner eating a Clif bar, watching a guy dump a bunch of change into the coinstar machine, when you came in.

You were yelling obscenities and knocking all the muffins and cookies on the ground. You shouted " If you don't be more careful, you might have an ACCIDENT!"

You pushed a shopping cart into the sliding doors and they broke.
For your finale, you yelled out "BE MORE CAREFUL!!" and threw all the newspapers onto the ground.

So ma'am, I'm writing this letter to tell you whatever you are doing... I WANT IN! If you travel from store to store performing this scene, trying to get the word out about market safety, I would love to be a part of it. 

When you came in and trashed the place, I was certain you were just a crazy lady breaking stuff, but then I saw through the obscenities and heard your message. I think we SHOULD be more careful in the grocery store. Too many times have I slipped on spilled Juicy Juice or cut my fingers on those dang tortilla packages! You are a visionary and this is me saying, I would like to be a part of your traveling safety show.

I think with some late night rehearsals we could turn your one woman show, into a one woman (you) and one man (me) show.  Here are some ideas on how I could be incorporated into the act. I could cover myself in tomato cans and pretend to be dead from a soup can avalanche. I could paint my face blue( you would have to provide the paint) and pretend I am trapped in the frozen food freezer. I could dress as the market manager and when I try and kick you out of the store, I kick myself in the eye, basically whatever you need, I can be that. I played a ten year old boy in the junior college play Marvin's Room, so I do have some acting experience. 

You can contact me here at this blog. Feel free to give me your home address so I can send you my resume and head shots. Looking forward to working with you.

Your new friend and devoted fan,

Erik

P.s.-

Guy with the jar of coins, 

How much did you end up getting? I saw that you had over $112 and still had that huge bucket of coins to dump.

Bus Weirdos

Im back from my winter break! Went back home for the holidays and rode a lot of public transportation to get there.

One thing I noticed on the California bus system is...

the shifty guy in the back of the bus. I've been on my share of buses and one thing is universal, there is always at least one shady weirdo towards the back.

Does California have a law that says every bus must at least have one bus weirdo? 

There are also lady bus weirdo's, but they are usually driving it.

Next time you're on a bus, look around to see if you can find the bus weirdo, if you can't, that means the bus weirdo is YOU!!!

SHARK SWARM

This is a promotion image for a tv movie called SHARK SWARM. 

Its about sharks eating people because there is ocean pollution everywhere. Daryl Hannah and John Schneider play scientists who use lazer tag guns from my childhood to humanely stop the sharks from eating people. 

I watched the trailer, and it really doesn't live up to the awesomeness of the poster. That image inspires me to finally sit down and write my ocean opera about a team of shark assassins. Im pretty sure if I found my trapper keeper from middle school, I would have a bunch of concept sketches for this project.

In Be Tween

Alameda is a hot spot for tween couples. If you are in between the ages of twelve and fourteen and are in a serious relationship, Alameda is your hub. Every weekend I see at least thirty to forty prepubescent boys and girls, hanging onto one another for dear life.

Tween P.D.A. examples:

1.

2.

3.

4.

Sometimes it looks really uncomfortable, but I guess thats what being a teen is all about.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT

I saw an advertisement on TLC for this new show called I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT, no this is not a new Charlie Sheen sitcom, this is a serious show about real life problems. A problem that has taken over America!

The advertisement said, "Coming up on I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT" and they cut to a women screaming on the toilet. I didn't see the episode, but I put two and #2 together and I think I know how it played out. The image of that women has stayed with me, now every time I go to the bathroom, I think, could I be pregnant? Turns out Im not, but here are some questions to ask yourself, so you can figure out whether or not you are preggers.

1. Is there a child in your belly? 

This might seem like a no brainer, but go ahead and feel around. Babies are small, so it might just be hiding under a kidney.

 

2. Are you a woman? 

Women are 72% more likely to have babies then men.

3. Do storks like to hang around you?

If the science is correct, storks have been known to give people babies.

4. Do you wear mom jeans?

Only mom's wear mom jeans.

5. Does your boyfriend/husband/one night stand look like this...

No need to check with a doctor,  you're pregnant.

I hope this helps. I was once a baby in a belly myself, so I think I know a little bit about being pregnant.

Halloween

In the spirit of the holiday I thought I would post some of the awesome costumes my Mom made over the years.


Im Batman in this one. I was much scarier than the Christian Bale version. I struck fear in the hearts of all criminals.
Im Spiderman and my bro is the hobo clown. We are showing off the disguises we won at a halloween party. That isn't padding in my costume, I was a ripped 8 year old.
We went for the horror genre that year. And yes, that is real blood on my face. I bit my sister just before the picture.


And of course this awesome Michelangelo costume. It was ten times better than the Kmart plastic mask version. I am trying to slim down so I can wear this again. Those nunchucks were no joke, my dad made them out of pvc pipe connected by a metal chain. I put eight kids in the hospital that night...three of them are still in critical condition.
My Mom went to town that year. She transformed my brother into Frankenstein, my older sister into the card from Alice In Wonderland, and my little sister into a vicious bat.


I remember every year my brother and I used to take down the box of all the halloween costumes my Mom made, and we would mix and match the costumes. We would have Frankenstein pants, Marvin Martian shoes, and a Batman mask and run out to the street to scare the passing cars. It was great fun!


Thanks Mom for all the awesome costumes.


Happy Halloween everyone!

Spider MAN!

Lindsay and I went to the Natural History Museum in Los Angeles because we wanted to see the Dino Lab! When we purchased the tickets they said for three dollars more we could see the Spider Pavilion! Feeling the halloween spirit we both enthusiastically said yes. 

The Spider Pavilion is just outside the museum in a greenhouse type tent. We walked through a plastic curtain and inside we did not find a spider pavilion but a SPIDER KILL ZONE! 

 

Huge spiders on webs and in the bushes. My first thought was this is how they feed the spiders. They get two healthy unsuspecting people, trick them into thinking they are going to see cool spiders behind three inches of plexi glass, and then watch as the spiders feast on them. 

Even though our lives were clearly in danger, I wanted to get my three dollars worth, so we walked through the maze of arachnids, keeping our limbs very close to our bodies.

Every time we'd turn around there would be another eight legged beast setting up to jump on our face.

After a bit, Lindsay turned to me and asked:

"Can we go now?"

And I said:

"Are you not enjoying this?"

We got out of the Spider Pavilion with our lives intact, but even as I type this I still feel their poisonous legs tickling my skin...that may never go away.

The Dino Lab was super cool!

These BITE!

It started at work. My ankle was itching like crazy.

Wednesday

I woke up the next morning and to my surprise I had mosquito bites all over. My ankle in particular was itchy, red, and a wee bit swollen. 

Thursday

I remembered when I stayed down in southern California over the weekend, the window was open and it was so warm I didn't need a blanket. Mosquitoes must have come in and feasted on an old mountain biking wound from the week before. I would think fresh soars are like a Vegas buffet to mosquitoes.

Saturday it had doubled in size. Most my wounds I like to look at closely and in different lighting. I like to poke at them to gauge the amount of pain I am in or might be in later on.

Saturday

It got pretty bad.

Okay maybe not that bad. But still pretty bad.

But with all my wounds, I figure its best to just...

walk it off.

The next morning I was greeted with a much less swollen leg.

Sunday

This may not work for everyone, but it works for me, and one day I will pass this technique on to my children. 

Future