The Wedding

Planning a wedding is like building ikea furniture, but you don't get instructions or even a picture of what the furniture should look like.

But by some miracle, you figure it out, and its the best furniture you've ever built. You enjoy the crap out of it for a day and it was worth all the trouble. 

Now that I'm married, I am really looking forward to letting myself go. If I work hard at it, I think by next summer I could have 85% more belly, 75% less hair, a sparse and wild beard, and my Snuggie will fit like a sweater.

I have already started carrying a utility belt of hostess sno-ball cupcakes. 

SEQUEL

Sorry I have been away for so long, I have been hard at work penning a screenplay for a sequel to the very popular summer movie, The Expendables. The movie was so successful I knew Hollywood would need a sequel. So, for the last six weeks I played online poker and ate flaming hot cheetos, but when I grew tired of that, I went straight to work on this screenplay. Twelve grueling minutes later, I had the final draft. The screenplay stays true to the original, people shooting at other people, but takes it to the next level. The new team of The Expendables is played by out-of-work actors who used to be famous kids, but are now old and strange looking. Thankfully, they still don't have a full time job, so they have already agreed to star in the film.

Here is the final poster, coming soon to your local theater-

Starring (from left to right) Data from Goonies, Atreyu from Neverending Story,The chubby one from The Suite Life with Zack and Cody (his name is either Zack or Cody, and I found out he is 37 years old), Haley Joel Osment (he may have been drunk on the phone, so I dont think he will actually show up to film), Macaulay Culkin, Johnathan Lipnicki (who is also attached to direct), one of the Hansen brothers (arguably the most talented brother), Aladdin( I couldn't  find a recent picture, but he is confirmed), and re-introducing Air Bud(with the Busch's Baked Bean's dog as our back up).

I will pitch it to Hollywood once I find their phone number. I can't wait! It should be Expendable!

Special thanks to Tony Rosenast, who helped birth this promising addition to the first Expendable movie.

The Ultimate Tat

I've never designed a tattoo for anyone, so I decided to design the ultimate tattoo for everyone.

It has everything; a heart, angel wings, stars (masculine and feminine kind), tribal accents, a chinese symbol that means goat, a barcode, a tear drop, a quote from Megan Fox's back tattoo, and a portrait of an incredibly popular film character that you will regret three months from now.

This tattoo is perfect for a flirty lower back tat...

or even as an adventurous face tat.

Dear Hollywood,

I recently heard about your idea to remake Back to the Future with Justin Beiber and I AM OUTRAGED! Consider this my formal letter of complaint and a cease and desist. Hollywood, you have had some real boneheaded ideas in the past i.e. Young Einstein, Crossroads, Mortal Kombat 1 and 2, and the entire Wayan's Brothers Catalogue, and I've turned a blind eye to it, well, now you've gone too far!

If I so much as see this

with this

I will hurl water bottles so full of water at his head and yours it will give your children's children a headache. Your "Beiber Fever" has turned into a "Beiber Brain Tumor" and you are not thinking clearly. My threats are not to be taken lightly. If this Back to the Beiber movie happens, I will NEVER see another one of your films EVER AGAIN!!!

Forever Yours,

Erik

P.S. How is the Goonies movie coming? I hear it has the original cast, all grown up, and their kids go on a pirate adventure! That sounds like great fun, I can't wait until it comes out!

Wilderness Confessions

Lindsay and I went for a hike in Temescal Canyon. A beautiful day to be in nature.

We talked about wedding plans and mostly chit chatted, but everyone we passed on the trail was talking about very serious things. It was as if being in the wild brought out the wild thoughts in their minds. Here are the bits of conversation we heard as we made our way up drama hill.

Couple #1

"Look Todd, it undermines the psychological reasons for our RELATIONSHIP!"

Couple #2

"I'm not comparing you to her! I NEVER DO!"

Couple #3

"But if I slap her in the face, it will leave A MARK!"

I recommend going up there for hike, if Jersey Shore is on reruns.

Wedding Invitation

For the last few weeks I have been trying to design an invitation for our wedding. Here is one that we put in the rejected pile...

I'm not sure why, maybe it needs a splash of color.

Invention Thursday

At the BART station the other day, there was a scary weirdo looking at my bike with great interest. 

I thought he might be thinking about stealing it. He didn't, but it made me think of a great invention to stop bike theft.
This invention is a seemingly normal looking and working bicycle, but when stolen you can push a remote button to make the bike fall to pieces.
The thief would crash to the ground in a painful way, and it enables you to tell them to stop, and get their life together.

"Stop, and get your life together."

The anti-theft bike is a one time use, you wouldn't be able to put the bike the back together, but you can hold your head up high as the victor, and not the victim.

Retails for only $12...... + $1600 for shipping.

Or an easy $1 a day for 1,612 days! Who can't afford a buck a day!  

Toy Story 3

For the first time ever, I helped make a movie! Well, actually I was an extra in Ang Lee's Hulk, and I helped my cousin upload a youtube video once, but this is waaaaaay different.

That's right, a real bona fide hollywood(not actually made in hollywood) film! I was really lucky to be a part of the awesome team who made Toy Story 3 . Lee Unkrich is a great director, Michael Arndt is a great writer, Jason Katz is a great story supervisor, and the story crew was the best! My friends, James Robertson and Adrian Molina did some amazing stuff and I can't wait to work with those guys again! 

It came out today, so go and see it! Stop reading this and GO! REALLY! Get in your car, drive to the theater, pay for the ticket- you know what to do! Okay no really, I'm being serious now. GO SEE THE MOVIE!! Alright, I'm sorry I yelled, I accidentally hit the caps lock and got carried away. Will you please go see it now...

Unsuper

Here are some superheroes doing some unsuper things...

Cyclops reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Aquaman drinking a vitamin water.

Wolverine looking for his car keys.

Batman pooping.

Tattoo Buddies

I don't have a tattoo, but if I did, I would go for a full body one.

I would look like a bad mother. I'd be tough as nails and no one would mess with me.

But late at night when I was alone, I would contort my body and the tattoo would become a mural of my favorite puppies from the Air Buddies movie franchise.

I'd recommend this type of tattoo if you want to show the world how f'n cool you are without sacrificing your softer sensitive side.

Here is a trailer for the newest Air Buddies movie, Space Buddies:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W338J8XNHAc

Karaoke Guy

I was at a karaoke bar last week with this guy...

I didn't know him...but I wanted to. He wore giant gold framed sunglasses( at night in a dark bar) with matching gold chain. A dress shirt with adidas track jacket, basically the whole package. He would approach each girl in the bar, do air guitar, occasionally yell something in their ear and then they would walk away. This went on for most of the night....he must've gotten so many phone numbers.

JUSTICE IS AGE BLIND!

Over the weekend I saw an old lady in the market eating a bunch of baked goods.

Choking them down like they were an afternoon tea sandwich. She had NO SHAME!

Not twenty four hours later I saw this oldie...

She ripped out a flower plant in front of the bank and put it in her purse. Also, felt NO SHAME!

I realize you old people feel the law doesn't apply to you anymore. You just blame it on your alzheimers, cataracts, or prescription meds, well NO MORE!

Now you will have to deal with THE ANGEL OF DEATH!

That is my crime fighting alter ego. I've done some research and found out old people are scared of death.

Much like Kick-Ass I would patrol the streets, fighting crime between 3pm and 4pm, that's when most of old people do crime, and I would hang out in front of Souplantation on Sundays, and the eye doctor the rest of the week.

Your reign of terror is over. No longer will you violate flower beds, or eat pastries you didn't pay for. You sicken me!

"This donut is so tasty, I swear to God."

"SWEAR TO ME!!"

Sleep soundly tonight younger citizens. Your flower beds and donuts are safe in the hands of The Angel of Death.

Likes and Dislikes

Things I like:

People who still sell things from inside their coat.

The couple who sits next to each other in the cab of a truck.

A new episode of LOST.

Things I dislike:

A new episode of LOST.

The guy who stands in the Abercrombie and Fitch store and stares at everyone who walks by.

Desert Activity #27

When visiting the high desert there are many fun activities you can take part in. You can go rock climbing, see races at a dry lake bed, or start a meth lab. When I was growing up there, one of our favorite activities was hitting bats with pool skimmers.

Here are the steps so the next time you're visiting, lost, or have been kidnapped in the desert, you can do it too.

Items you'll need:
1. rocks
2. pool skimmer
3. sun setting
4. brother/friend
5. bats

Step 1: Collect rocks in your shirt basket(a shirt basket is when you lift the bottom of your shirt up past the navel to create a container).

Step 2: Ready your pool skimmer.

Step 3: Throw rocks 15 to 30 feet in the air.

Step 4: Bats will swoop down and try to eat the rocks because they think its a bug.

Step 5: Hit the bat with the pool skimmer.

Step 6: Give your partner a high-five.

Step 7: Repeat until your hearts content.