Friday, January 15, 2010

Woman vs. Market

Dear woman from the market,

I was in the corner eating a Clif bar, watching a guy dump a bunch of change into the coinstar machine, when you came in.

You were yelling obscenities and knocking all the muffins and cookies on the ground. You shouted " If you don't be more careful, you might have an ACCIDENT!"
You pushed a shopping cart into the sliding doors and they broke.
For your finale, you yelled out "BE MORE CAREFUL!!" and threw all the newspapers onto the ground.

So ma'am, I'm writing this letter to tell you whatever you are doing... I WANT IN! If you travel from store to store performing this scene, trying to get the word out about market safety, I would love to be a part of it. 
When you came in and trashed the place, I was certain you were just a crazy lady breaking stuff, but then I saw through the obscenities and heard your message. I think we SHOULD be more careful in the grocery store. Too many times have I slipped on spilled Juicy Juice or cut my fingers on those dang tortilla packages! You are a visionary and this is me saying, I would like to be a part of your traveling safety show.

I think with some late night rehearsals we could turn your one woman show, into a one woman (you) and one man (me) show.  Here are some ideas on how I could be incorporated into the act. I could cover myself in tomato cans and pretend to be dead from a soup can avalanche. I could paint my face blue( you would have to provide the paint) and pretend I am trapped in the frozen food freezer. I could dress as the market manager and when I try and kick you out of the store, I kick myself in the eye, basically whatever you need, I can be that. I played a ten year old boy in the junior college play Marvin's Room, so I do have some acting experience. 

You can contact me here at this blog. Feel free to give me your home address so I can send you my resume and head shots. Looking forward to working with you.

Your new friend and devoted fan,

Guy with the jar of coins, 

How much did you end up getting? I saw that you had over $112 and still had that huge bucket of coins to dump.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Bus Weirdos

Im back from my winter break! Went back home for the holidays and rode a lot of public transportation to get there.

One thing I noticed on the California bus system is...

the shifty guy in the back of the bus. I've been on my share of buses and one thing is universal, there is always at least one shady weirdo towards the back.

Does California have a law that says every bus must at least have one bus weirdo? 

There are also lady bus weirdo's, but they are usually driving it.

Next time you're on a bus, look around to see if you can find the bus weirdo, if you can't, that means the bus weirdo is YOU!!!