Dear woman from the market,
I was in the corner eating a Clif bar, watching a guy dump a bunch of change into the coinstar machine, when you came in.
You were yelling obscenities and knocking all the muffins and cookies on the ground. You shouted " If you don't be more careful, you might have an ACCIDENT!"
You pushed a shopping cart into the sliding doors and they broke.
For your finale, you yelled out "BE MORE CAREFUL!!" and threw all the newspapers onto the ground.
So ma'am, I'm writing this letter to tell you whatever you are doing... I WANT IN! If you travel from store to store performing this scene, trying to get the word out about market safety, I would love to be a part of it. When you came in and trashed the place, I was certain you were just a crazy lady breaking stuff, but then I saw through the obscenities and heard your message. I think we SHOULD be more careful in the grocery store. Too many times have I slipped on spilled Juicy Juice or cut my fingers on those dang tortilla packages! You are a visionary and this is me saying, I would like to be a part of your traveling safety show.
I think with some late night rehearsals we could turn your one woman show, into a one woman (you) and one man (me) show. Here are some ideas on how I could be incorporated into the act. I could cover myself in tomato cans and pretend to be dead from a soup can avalanche. I could paint my face blue( you would have to provide the paint) and pretend I am trapped in the frozen food freezer. I could dress as the market manager and when I try and kick you out of the store, I kick myself in the eye, basically whatever you need, I can be that. I played a ten year old boy in the junior college play Marvin's Room, so I do have some acting experience.
You can contact me here at this blog. Feel free to give me your home address so I can send you my resume and head shots. Looking forward to working with you.
Your new friend and devoted fan,
Erik
P.s.-
Guy with the jar of coins,
How much did you end up getting? I saw that you had over $112 and still had that huge bucket of coins to dump.
Gosh! When she gets back to you and you make it big, come to my store! I've noticed some very careless activity at my local Vons,with people trying to take apples from the bottom of the pile and getting burned while pressed up against the deli glass--I think we need to be straightened out. You guys will tour with your safety message,right?
ReplyDeletefor me, it's the reaction shots that do it. also, the flared nostrils. i noticed this in the "ladies room" sequence you posted some months back. very funny.
ReplyDeleteCarrie,
ReplyDeleteHopefully we will start out doing a southwest circuit, California, Arizona, New Mexico, and then it will grow into a nation wide afternoon and evening performance.
This show actually happened in a Vons. Is your Vons the one in North Hollywood?
Haha no my Vons is actually in the much tamer Claremont. This just goes to show that market carelessness is a dangerous epidemic that can strike anywhere, and...
ReplyDelete...anyone.
lol, simply lol. Well done erik, i think after your successful south west circuit you should think about taking your tour to the clothing stores, i've seen far too many people attempt to fold that plain t back up after wrongfully grabbing a size too big. Keep us posted on tour dates as well.
ReplyDeletegreat stuff as always E.
Safety is very important. I wish you luck in this endeavor. Now did she get kicked out of the store or did she simply walk out afterword?
ReplyDeleteJust simply walked out of the store. I think everyone was too dumbfounded to do anything.
ReplyDeleteThat's some kind of beautiful right there.
ReplyDeletelol...She was probably on a recruiting mission. You should of joined in while you had your chance. Those type of opportunities come once in a lifetime. Let this be a lesson to us all. One should always be ready to "get their crazy on" at a moments notice:)
ReplyDeleteErik,
ReplyDeleteI ended up with $131.17 as much of the rest of the coin jar was filled with buttons and Major Magic tokens.
Thanks for asking,
Dan
Nice brief and this post helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you seeking your information.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog. Just spent the last while reading through it, very funny stuff.
ReplyDeleteIt’s amazing in support of me to truly have a web site that is valuable meant for my knowledge.
ReplyDeleterichdad summit