Purple Puma's

Have you ever been poopin in a public bathroom and the person next to you is really struggling. 

So you accidentally bend down just a little... 

 

and get a glimpse of the shoes.

Then later that day you meet someone new or even see an old friend...

 

and you look down.

And then the hand shake gets weird.

Any resemblance in your purple puma's and the purple puma's in this blog post are purely coincidence and it does not mean I actually saw you poopin.

And for the record, Im turning 30 next month.

Train Connection

On the train I saw an old woman staring at an old man.

After some time she said" Did the Giants win the game?"

The old man came to life. "Oh yes, they sure did. Sanchez pitched a great game!"

He went on and regaled her with the highlights of the game and his love for some of the new players.

He sat down next to her and continued to chat her up. A love connection was happening right before my eyes.

 I looked down and noticed neither of them had a wedding ring. A love connection was exploding right in front of me.

I felt like I was going to crap my pants with joy and happiness.  The soundtrack to Jerry McGuire  was playing in my head and the world seemed to slow down just to enjoy this wonderful moment.

Then she said "Im trying to read this book."

Silence for the rest of the train ride.

Side fact: The old lady really was reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  Who knew violent crime mysteries were popular amongst the old wrinklies.

JAPAN ART AUCTION

In about a month we are having an art auction for Japan and here is the drawing I did for it.

(8"x10"Acrylic with ink.)

It is a blueprint of a robot I have already submitted to the NRC (National Robot Council). As you can see it has every technology you would ever need. If my calculations are correct, and they always are, this will be in every household by the first quarter of the next full moon. It is called the Bionic Operating Nano Electric Robot, or for short the BONE- uh never mind, we are still currently working on a name.

Twilight Romance

Last weekend my wife and I were leaving Trader Joes with our groceries. We were right behind a grandma and her grandson. She was in her twilight years and he looked like he played a hunky werewolf in the best twilight film(new moon). The sun was setting and we had white cheddar corn puffs to eat when we got home, it was looking like that sunday was going to be my favorite sunday ever.

And then the unthinkable...

The hunky werewolf grabbed the grandma who was not his grandma(I think) and kissed her with a passionate open mouthed kiss. 

Obviously I was stunned.

 Lindsay played it cool...

Lindsay-"Just keep walking, don't look."

Lindsay-"Just keep walking, don't look."

 Lindsay-"Just keep walking, don't look."

I was frozen.

 

After quite some time they stopped kissing and I regained the use of my legs. When I  made it to the car, I looked up and saw...

He was helping her put on her seatbelt and went in for more old face sucking.

I tried to start the car...

But I couldn't. It was like I was looking at the eye of Sauron.

I was finally able to figure it out. We sped off home, but the damage was done. I didn't even feel like eating the white cheddar corn puffs anymore, my sunday was ruined.

I know what you're thinking. Was it really such a passionate looking kiss? The answer is, YES! It was a VERY passionate kiss.

I know what else you're thinking. How did you get so good at drawing cars? Answer, I worked on Cars 2 for like a year, so yeah, that's how.

New Years Resolutions 2011 Edition

Here are some of my new years resolutions for the next 365 days. I like to keep them simple so I can accomplish them before years end:

1. Learn an ancient martial arts move and use it only for good.

2. Sue a large corporation and win.

3. Become a youtube SENSATION!

4. Text more.

It's going to be a great year!

The Wedding

Planning a wedding is like building ikea furniture, but you don't get instructions or even a picture of what the furniture should look like.

But by some miracle, you figure it out, and its the best furniture you've ever built. You enjoy the crap out of it for a day and it was worth all the trouble. 

Now that I'm married, I am really looking forward to letting myself go. If I work hard at it, I think by next summer I could have 85% more belly, 75% less hair, a sparse and wild beard, and my Snuggie will fit like a sweater.

I have already started carrying a utility belt of hostess sno-ball cupcakes. 

SEQUEL

Sorry I have been away for so long, I have been hard at work penning a screenplay for a sequel to the very popular summer movie, The Expendables. The movie was so successful I knew Hollywood would need a sequel. So, for the last six weeks I played online poker and ate flaming hot cheetos, but when I grew tired of that, I went straight to work on this screenplay. Twelve grueling minutes later, I had the final draft. The screenplay stays true to the original, people shooting at other people, but takes it to the next level. The new team of The Expendables is played by out-of-work actors who used to be famous kids, but are now old and strange looking. Thankfully, they still don't have a full time job, so they have already agreed to star in the film.

Here is the final poster, coming soon to your local theater-

Starring (from left to right) Data from Goonies, Atreyu from Neverending Story,The chubby one from The Suite Life with Zack and Cody (his name is either Zack or Cody, and I found out he is 37 years old), Haley Joel Osment (he may have been drunk on the phone, so I dont think he will actually show up to film), Macaulay Culkin, Johnathan Lipnicki (who is also attached to direct), one of the Hansen brothers (arguably the most talented brother), Aladdin( I couldn't  find a recent picture, but he is confirmed), and re-introducing Air Bud(with the Busch's Baked Bean's dog as our back up).

I will pitch it to Hollywood once I find their phone number. I can't wait! It should be Expendable!

Special thanks to Tony Rosenast, who helped birth this promising addition to the first Expendable movie.

The Ultimate Tat

I've never designed a tattoo for anyone, so I decided to design the ultimate tattoo for everyone.

It has everything; a heart, angel wings, stars (masculine and feminine kind), tribal accents, a chinese symbol that means goat, a barcode, a tear drop, a quote from Megan Fox's back tattoo, and a portrait of an incredibly popular film character that you will regret three months from now.

This tattoo is perfect for a flirty lower back tat...

or even as an adventurous face tat.