Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Wedding

Planning a wedding is like building ikea furniture, but you don't get instructions or even a picture of what the furniture should look like.

But by some miracle, you figure it out, and its the best furniture you've ever built. You enjoy the crap out of it for a day and it was worth all the trouble. 

Now that I'm married, I am really looking forward to letting myself go. If I work hard at it, I think by next summer I could have 85% more belly, 75% less hair, a sparse and wild beard, and my Snuggie will fit like a sweater.

I have already started carrying a utility belt of hostess sno-ball cupcakes. 

Monday, October 04, 2010


Sorry I have been away for so long, I have been hard at work penning a screenplay for a sequel to the very popular summer movie, The Expendables. The movie was so successful I knew Hollywood would need a sequel. So, for the last six weeks I played online poker and ate flaming hot cheetos, but when I grew tired of that, I went straight to work on this screenplay. Twelve grueling minutes later, I had the final draft. The screenplay stays true to the original, people shooting at other people, but takes it to the next level. The new team of The Expendables is played by out-of-work actors who used to be famous kids, but are now old and strange looking. Thankfully, they still don't have a full time job, so they have already agreed to star in the film.

Here is the final poster, coming soon to your local theater-

Starring (from left to right) Data from Goonies, Atreyu from Neverending Story,The chubby one from The Suite Life with Zack and Cody (his name is either Zack or Cody, and I found out he is 37 years old), Haley Joel Osment (he may have been drunk on the phone, so I dont think he will actually show up to film), Macaulay Culkin, Johnathan Lipnicki (who is also attached to direct), one of the Hansen brothers (arguably the most talented brother), Aladdin( I couldn't  find a recent picture, but he is confirmed), and re-introducing Air Bud(with the Busch's Baked Bean's dog as our back up).

I will pitch it to Hollywood once I find their phone number. I can't wait! It should be Expendable!

Special thanks to Tony Rosenast, who helped birth this promising addition to the first Expendable movie.